officially single

exactly what my title is, i'm officially single. i gave him 2 weeks to think carefully and he got back to me in just 2 days. honestly i am not sure whether i am happy because he made a quick decision so i wouldn't wait for too long since i hate waiting or extremely sad because he gave an answer so fast i felt like i meant nothing for him.

honestly, i am torn between feeling sad and angry at the same time. i am sad obviously because our 2 years relationship just ended but i am more sad because i honestly believe that our relationship could be something wonderful and amazing but he got lost and confuse and starting doubts about our future together. makes me even sadder because i feel like i am to blame in this situation. i feel like it is my fault because of the break up. i feel like i didn't give enough attention or love so that he can still have faith in us. i feel like its my fault.

apart of me also feels angry because some of the reasons that he thinks that our relationship is not going to work is because of the arguments. he said, "we argue a lot" , "my grandmother said it's not normal to have a lot of arguments because she didn't have lots of arguments with my grandfather" (not exactly what he said but close enough). seriously? tell me, which couple in this world did not argue at all? he said, "it's not normal to argue alot". i have no idea where he got that idea from. honestly, i almost believed him when he said it's not normal. but i have been asking around ( for couple of months) especially to my married friends and they said it is perfectly normal. sometimes they argue everyday and didn't talk for days. and they say if a couple didn't argue, that's not normal. so, where does his conclusion comes from? just based on his family? i asked my mom, my best friends, and to anyone i can think of about this and everyone gave me the same answer. IT IS NORMAL TO HAVE A LOT OF ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR PARTNER. they said from the simplest matter like picking a color for a date to big ones like buying another car. so, i am really really mad about this. sometimes i feel like its a joke, breaking up because we argue a lot. true, arguing is bad but that doesn't mean the love is gone or what so ever. in the end, even after all the arguments, i still love him a lot and still wanna be with him. isn't that the most important thing?

at the same time, i feel sorry for him. i know this man too well. and right now, he is all alone. he doesn't have anyone to talk to. i want to be there for him so bad. i want to tell him everything is alright. i want to comfort him and make him happy. but..... right now....it is too much for me. the pain.... the hurt.... the betrayal.... the wound is still too near for me. thinking about him, makes my heart aching so bad, it feels like it would explode at any moment now. thinking about him makes me misses him so much more it's unbearable. but even with all these hurt feelings, i still want to make sure he is doing okay himself. because i know him so well, that's what makes me worry about him much more.

but right now, i should be focusing more on my own healing process, isn't it? i told myself i would be fine but honestly, i don't know myself. most people said "time will heal your wound". i guess, all i can do now is wait and try to move on with my live and hope for the best.