remembering the past

one thing i hate bout my broken leg is that it limits your movement meaning you can't do a lot and most of your time you have to sit down and get plenty of rest. meaning i have so much free time and i can't busy myself with anything at all except thinking about my break up thing which is the last thing i ever want to do.

don't get me wrong. i love all the memories i shared with him. either the good or the bad ones. i treasured them both in my heart. but after the break up, it is just so hard and painful just thinking about it. even after we broke up, i still think that we could be a great couple. no doubt about that. but it is just not enough if i am the only one believing in it. it needs 2 people together to make it work. to believe in it together. and i am just 1 person. and i can't do it alone.

when i think back, i could see the changes that we both went through, me and him. earlier when we both started going out together, he was this really strong man who knows who he is, what is he going to do, what does he wants in life and so on. you know, he is that kind of person who knows where his life is heading. and i was definitely not like that at that time. he was the person i looked up to and the person who i believed that can supported me in time on needs, who can be strong for the 2 of us. but fast forward 2 years later, there was like a 360 degrees change in our role (at least from my point of view). i was the one who fights to keep our relationship together, i was the one who knows where i'm going, what i want to do, what i want in life and so on. but he.....for some reason....got lost. when i think back on the day that we broke up (the 2nd time), when he told me the reasons, i was listening to what he was saying and thinking, "wow, i don't know who this man is anymore". he was just......lost and confused.

i am here not to badmouth him if that is what you guys are thinking. what i'm trying to say is that, first and foremost, i think one of the reasons he got lost and confused is because of me. i honestly believe i am one of that reason. i think he was trying to do everything so hard to fulfill all my expectations of him and try to be strong for the both of us. i believe i put him on so much pressure where in the end he's telling himself, "i just can't do this anymore". because of that pressure, i believe in time, he got lost of who he is and instead of focusing on himself, he was far more worried about me and trying so hard to make me happy.

which make everything is far more tragic. there should never be trying to make her or him happy. instead it should be trying to make US happy. being in a relationship is always about working together as a team. there is no i, me, or myself. it is always about us, us and us.

when i sit down all alone on my bed like right now, i'm thinking, "wow, he is such a great guy and anyone who end up marrying him would be the luckiest woman on earth". because it does shows how much to an extend he is willing to do for the one he loves. which practically, anything and everything. at the same time i'm also sad because it didn't work out between us because it is such a loss to lose that kind of man which i have to admit very hard to find nowadays.

i do believe that we both have made each other happy when we both were together, at least i know i was happy when i was with him. i don't know if all these can be avoided but i also believe that everything happens for a reason.which ever it is, i will find out one day. unfortunately not this day.