hard to stay away

why is it so hard to stay away from your ex? why? why? why? why? why?

when i say hard to stay away is try not talk to him everyday or call him everyday or think about him everyday or all of the above. even though i didn't do all that stuff but it was so hard to do it. it was painful and hurtful. every time i look at the computer i always look if he is online, if he's not i would be totally crush even though i am not suppose to feel like that since we both not together anymore. i keep staring at my cellphone because either i was waiting for him to call or text me or i was thinking doing all that stuff so i can just hear his voice. even though i successfully "stayed away" from him or trying to, but i still cant fully do it in my head. i knew there is a part of me not wanting to let him go because he is the best thing that ever happen to my life. if it is not him, i would never be the person i am now. the reason i am strong now is because he is always by my side all the time. and i was scared to lose all of that. it is like a part of my new identity is gone when he left me.it's like he take it with him when he left me. i know some of you might thing this is ridiculous, but that is how i am feeling right now. it's like you read or heard in a romantic novel, " when we were together, he was my other half and when he left me, he took that other half with him". that is what i'm feeling now.

i knew some of my friends don't like the idea i am talking to him when we both just broke up couple of weeks. but..... how can i stay away when i obviously still thinking about him all the time? i always want to talk to him. everyday. but i knew it would bring some painful memories and i may can or cant handle it. but it is so hard to resist. i don't want to be separated from him. ever.

but i know i have to try to stay away from him at some point. because i know i can't feel like this forever. i can't. if i stay like this, i won't be able move on. if i stay like this, it would only give false hope on myself. if i stay like this, it would only bring more pain to myself. and i think i have already too much pain in a lifetime. if all my break ups(in the future, if i ever found another guy) are gonna be like this, i don't think i would be able to take it. it's too much for me to handle.

but i know i won't stay totally away from his life forever. i still remembered when we were both together, i made a promise to him that if we ever break up, we will always be best friends. and i intend to keep it. but right now, i don't think i could be that person......yet. but i know in my heart, i still want to be a part in his life. even though just a little, i still want to. that is, if he wants me to be. i won't force him to take me to be his friend. if he decided he doesn't want me to be, then i would just disappear from his life forever which i know will be the hardest thing i would do in my entire life. but right now, before i can be some one else's friend, i need to be myself first. i need to find myself again. i need pick up the pieces and move on forward. it's not gonna be easy and it's not gonna be pretty but this is something i must do.

as much as i hate it, i think this is something i have to do....alone.