Tormented Soul

I think my life is full of drama. Especially around the weekend. I'm not sure why. But that's how it is. No one wants a drama in their life well except for drama queen I guess.

Living in a house where your dad doesn't like you or accept you at all. Who thinks you are a failure and a loser.

A mother who constantly remind you how fat you are and how every clothes you wear is making you fatter except the one clothes that she picks. Or called you 'stupid' or 'idiot' whenever she feels like she's losing an argument with me.

A boyfriend who doesn't really care about your feelings. Whether you hurt or in tears, you have to go through all that alone. Because he doesn't like or know how to deal with all my sadness. Who won't be there for you, won't comfort you, wont shed a tear for you, wont be a better man for you, won't chase after you because he knows I will always come back to him.

Best friends? I know I can count on them. But to what degree? Most of them are married and already have kids or will be having kids. No matter how close you are with your best friends, their hearts will always be with their husbands and kids first no matter what.

 Move out from my parents house is not an option. I just started working and I don't have enough money to make it on my own...yet.

Leave my boyfriend? That is something I always think a lot. But it's hard because I truly love him a lot. I always feel like an abused pet dog. No matter how bad the owner treated its dog, the dog will always stay loyal to its owner. so yes, I guess I am that stupid for staying for this long with this guy. Sometimes I wonder why did i get back together with him in the first place. I guess I was blindsided with all the promises that he made. How many times have I said to not make any promises that you could not keep? But I guess this guy will never learn. In the end who's gonna get hurt more? He's a guy who wont cry even if I die, and yes, he said so himself. So why am I in this relationship? Why am I so desperately hanging to this relationship? Is there something wrong with me?

In the end, I only have myself to depend on. It kinda reminds me what people said about death. When you die, you die alone. I'm not dead yet but I feel lonely. Alone in this vast but empty world to me. Truly the world is cruel and give mercy to none.