Ahhh.... he ran away again.

That was pretty much how I thought when we broke up. He's always like that. When we are heading to a very difficult time and he thinks there is no way out, he would do that. I'm not trying to give you all a wrong impression of him. Don't get me wrong. I love him a lot and I know he does me too. It's just his survival instinct. That is how he live him life.

But the only think I find unacceptable was his excuse. He said and I quote, "I think our differences are too great it won't work out". You would have thought knowing each other for 4 years and together for 3 years, you would have figured out sooner. Which part, he's a Christian, I'm a Muslim, he's an American, I'm Malaysian, he's western, I'm eastern, he's a geek and nerd, I'm part nerd and social, he's emotionally almost unavailable, I'm dramatic and sensitive; he did not get?

After all these time, he finally realized he cannot cope with these differences? It as if he wake up one day and finally think, 'oh, we're not gonna work out because we're so different with each other'.

What I find so sad is that if he knows this sooner, if he thinks this carefully, he could prevent all this from happening. Why him and not me can prevent this? Because I know and understand our differences and I am willing to accept the challenges and work together as a couple to overcome them. I know from day 1 that this relationship is going to be full of obstacles and I know as long as we both work and communicate with each other,it would work. But I guess he finally understands on how big a task for us to overcome. He finally get it in his head on how so different we are from each other. How sad. If only he knows sooner, then all these....heartache, pain, anger and emptiness, can be prevented. For both of us. More so for me.

For me, I don't take the word 'love' and 'promises' lightly. When you say the word 'I love you' and/or 'I promise you'  to someone, you should honor them because  those words are a symbol of hope and expectation. If you think you can't give them both, then those words should not be utter in the first place.  Broken words and unfulfilled promises will only lead to devastation and heartache. Even if you do love someone, but think you can't keep a promise, then you should not make one in the first place.

In my heart, I don't blame him. I couldn't. In my mind, I blame him for everything. For these heartache, pain, anger, loneliness, numbness, everything. This one word keep popping in my head. Why? You know how different we are in every single way. So, why? Why, did you just realized it now? Why? Why? I couldn't find a single answer. The only explanation I could think is that, he really finally seriously just realized it. You would think I'm joking, but I'm not.

Knowing someone for 4 years and together for 3 years, taught you a lot about your partner (ex partner). I know what he likes, he doesn't like, his mood based on his voice, or his mood when he types, his favorite food and his dislikes, his favorite position when he sleeps or what he's thinking. I know his past, his regrets, his anger, his resentment. I know his dreams, his nightmare, his fantasy. Everything. And I can tell you right now that there is a possibility that he finally realized it last week.

Which makes everything much more sadder when it can be avoided IF he realizes it all sooner. Then all these......can be avoided.  For someone  like him, he can go on day by day without me like it was nothing. He doesn't feel guilty or remorse over this failed relationship. Because he said and I quote, "why should I feel guilty or remorse if I didn't do anything wrong?" He won't feel sad or pain or cry because I'm gone. It is not he's a heartless man, that's just who he is. Which is more worst for me knowing he is okay with it and I'm struggling to stay afloat.

You all must be thinking if he's like that why did I stay with him these long? Because I know him. Because I love him. Because he knows me. Because he loves me. It is that easy. What's not easy is our situation. It takes 2 people to work things out. If 1 already give up, then it's all over. Just like our relationship. Over.

I think now I do believe that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you just not meant to be with each other. I believe that him and I are meant to be best friends. Not lovers. Because we both understood each other so well. To be honest, right now, I don't think we could be friends let alone best friends. It's hard to see him, talking to him is harder.

I guess time will tell what's going to happen next.