things i didn't believe about break ups until now

you know when you were growing up, you heard on television or read in magazines or first hand account from your friends who have been through a break up. they said it was the hardest and toughest moment in their entire life to overcome. they kept saying that they don't know if they can love again or move on or stuff like that. at that time i was like, 'Yeah, rite! You're just too weak, too emotionally attached to him/her.' or something like that. and they would say, 'You'll see. When it happen to you, then you'll know how it feels'. i was like,'nah..... it would never happen to me. i'm not that emotional like you guys'.

Boyyy.....was i wrong..... karma really hit me hard this time.

don't get me wrong. i've been in love before. several break ups and make ups and break ups again, but nothing can compare to this one. now, i know what those guys were talking about. and they were right. so what are the things i didn't believe about break ups until now, here they are:

1. Break up is excruciating, physically and mentally - for the first time when he said that word, i can actually hear my heart broken in pieces. i know it sounds so cliche, but its the whole truth. i basically was speechless after he ended our conversation after i failed to convince him to stay together. after that i just lay still on my bed for hours and days (except going to the bathroom), my mind was blank, my whole body was numb and aching and i can't stop crying at all. all i did was curled myself into a ball and put my hands onto my heart like i wanna hold my heart together, so it won't fell apart and of course sleep. after 4 days like that, i finally realized it was over for real.

2. Break up makes you sleepless - im not sure if this happens to everyone, but there are several people who told me that they are unable to sleep at night because of the break up. which unfortunately happens to me too.  its not that i was thinking about the break up, its more like thinking about my flaws in the relationship. where did i do wrong? did i do something wrong? i didn't give enough attention? etc etc, you get the idea. it's like i'm constantly thinking of what i did that caused of the break up and at the same time i keep thinking of him on how is he? how's work? how's life? has he eaten? all i did was thinking about all these sort of stuff all night and before i know it, it's already morning.

3. Break up gives you sense of hopelessness and lost - when i was with him, we both had already planned out everything on what are we gonna do for our future. we talked about it a lot and for my part, i already scouted places that he could stay, places that he can find jobs that he likes, went to the immigration agency to ask for him immigration, and i even offer to pay for his flight ticket so that he can come to me as soon as possible. yes, i was that so much in love and i desperately want him by my side. but when everything is over, i just don't know what to do with my life, because all the plans that i have made, its all revolved all around him. and now its gone, i just don't know what to do. it's like someone has robbed me from my dreams and future. i felt like right now, i'm a blind person walking in the dark, still searching for the bright tunnel on the other side. there's always sense of hopelessness and lost in that dark tunnel and sometimes i just want to give up.

4. Break up cause you to cry nonstop - you thought after a while it would stop, but i was so wrong about that. i know i would cry a lot after the break up. even thinking about him and/or the break up can make me cry and sob uncontrollably. but after 2 months, nothing has changed. it is still the same. thinking about him, thinking about the break up, thinking about the possibilities, it is enough to make me cry. the only thing that is different is that i can stop, at some point. i don't know why. its just so sad. whenever i see/hear/think about him, i would chocked up and my eyes started full of tears. when i'm in front of others, i tried to put a brave and strong face. but whenever i'm alone, i can't do it. it's just too sad.

and finally,

5. Break up doesn't make it easy to say goodbye and/or forget - so far, this is the hardest part of all. it is so painful to say good bye and try to forget the one you love so dearly. it's like your whole body and mind is in pain and aching because they are in protest saying no, don't do it but it is something you have to do to move on with your life. sometimes, i just find it impossible to let go or say good bye to him but when i think thoroughly again, i know this is something i have to do for myself. because i know i want to be in love again. i know i want to be with someone again. and to do that i have to say good bye to my past and think of the possibilities in my future. but still, it is hard, when for a long time, your whole body, mind and soul is synchronize to the person that you love and when you try to break away, there will always be gravitation to pull you back to the person that you love, when you know you can't be together at all. that is how i feel and that is why saying goodbye is so hard and very painful.

when i just sit alone, like what i'm doing now, i finally come to realize on how much i truly love him. i do love him so much that it hurts every bone in my body. even though, i am disappointed and devastated with our break up but at the same time i am thankful because i never knew i could love someone like this and also lucky to be loved by someone who loved me as i loved him. even though it didn't work out between us but someday, we both will find the happily ever after that we both are looking for.

someday.