that's not funny, stupid.

as i was browsing through YouTube, i stumbled upon a video where there is one large kid playing a dance dance revolution (ddr) machine. you know, where there's the monitor which will show some arrows and on the floor of the machine, there are arrows pictures where you should step on them accordingly following the signs from the monitor. do you get any of this? sorry, i have no idea how to simplify it. in case you still don't understand, you can Google it yourself. anyways, i played the video and as i watched it, i was absolutely disgusted by it.

you know, what is it with laughing at the big people? okay, let's be frank. i mean fat people? seriously, is it really funny? when a fat person fall flat on their asses, people will laugh like crazy and think thats funny as hell. when a fat person dance, people will laugh because they said the fat people are making fools of themselves. if any fat girls/women try to wear anything sexy, most people, male and female said that is absolutely disgusting because fat people can't wear sexy clothes.

to tell you the truth, i don't know either i'm hurt by those comments or upset. because i am one of those fat people. yes, i am fat. i am big, round, chubby and likes to eat. a lot. so yes, i am fat. but the funny thing is, i love myself the way i am except if i can have a flat stomach then i would love myself more. but the point is, i am comfortable with my own body. but apparently not everyone else's does.

i think most of my life i've been judged by people all around me. but my biggest critic, has always been my mother. she constantly say i'm fat since i was like 15/16 and always tells me that nobody will likes me because i'm fat and/or nobody will hires me to work and/or you never look good in any clothes. there are so much more but i think you all get the idea. other than that, i did get some insults when i was in school. but there was this once that i can never forget. there was this one guy who i had a crushed on since like forever and one day he found out that i liked him and told his guy friends even though when he knows i was in front of him and his friends at that time,said, "i would never ever like that fat pig." and all his friends laughed like maniacs. seriously, that was humiliating. after that, i bolted to the bathroom and stayed there and cried for hours. honestly, that is not even remotely funny. not even a wee bit at all. but the funny part is, he's in my FB friends list. how funny is that? also there was one time, i think i was 11 or 12. i was coming home from a tuition around 10pm and in front of the house there was my brother and his friend. then my brother's friend found out that i'm my brother's sister he laughed out loud and said softly to my brother, " my god, you sister is fat." which unfortunately i heard it. but the fucked up part is that my brother said, "i know right, an eyesore." you would think i made all this up, but no. it's all the truth. again, God has a funny sense of humor.

and for some reason, God wants me to know what all these people are saying about me. i can always hear what people said about me in passing since i was in school and university. sometimes i heard, "no, not her. she's fat." or "why would i want her? she's fat and ugly. i'm talking about the one next to her." or "she's fat. i feel sorry for whoever wants to be with her." yes, fate is definitely cruel on me. and yes, those men and women were cruel too. i think if i had a gun or knife at that time, i would definitely stab them to death or most likely just kill myself. maybe.

honestly, i have no idea why people like me always get picked on. does laughing at the fat people like me makes them feel better? so they can feel comfortable about themselves? so they know they are far better than the fat people, me? honestly, i don't know. i think i am so used to it, i couldn't care less about it anymore.

i would never judged a person by who he/she looks like or by their race or color or religion or anything. i would only judge them for who they really are once i get to know them myself. i honestly don't see the point of condemning others without getting to know them first. all i want is the same courtesy in return.

is that so much to ask?

p/s: yes, my mother is still my biggest critic. and you would think she would stop after a certain time, but noo..... i was wrong.