am i a mistake?

sometimes that is how i feel about me in my family. its like i don't belong here in this family. even though i have a striking resemblance with my mother but there is absolutely nothing i have in common with her. in fact, all my life i constantly have to proof my existence to my family. my brother and sister always had it easy. easy as in to win my parent's hearts. i am not a genius like my brother or as smart and brilliant like my sister. in school, compare to them i am way left behind.

i know education is the biggest obstacle for me to win my parent's attention. unfortunately, i don't have an ounce of intelligence like what my brother and sister have. i always have to struggle and strive hard to get good grades and recognition from my parents. unfortunately, no matter how hard i tried, it was not good enough to get any praises compare to my siblings.

growing with that kind of environment, i am not saying i was left out. but i am always the 3rd person in their mind. i thought you should be fair ans square to all your children? there is no favoritism. but no, i am always the last person in their mind. my brother and sister needs always comes first. the best clothes, the best gadgets, the best tutors no matter how expensive or far the place it is located, the best toys and so much more. when we were little, my brother got the Voltron complete set with their weapons, my sister got her all pretty, wonderful stuff and all i ask was a Barbie doll which they said it's not worth it to buy. my parents sent my brother and sister to the finest tutor which is way far from our house in JB at that time and i was only sent to around my neighborhood because they don't want to drive far out from the neighborhood. if my father came home from vacation overseas, my father always bought souvenirs for all 3 of us. even though my mom ask me to choose, but in the end, i had to cave in because most of the gifts that i wanted, my mum said that is for my sister.

that was how it was when i was growing up in my family. it was either hand me down or absolutely nothing. i know that our family at that time can only make due on what we had but like i said earlier, shouldn't it be fair and square to all the children? either we all can have want we want or none will get any at all. don't get me wrong, even though i went through all that, i don't have any grudges against my parents. none what so ever.

all i'm trying to say is that is the FACT of what i went through when i was growing up. even though i told this to my mum, she was absolutely disgusted and angered by it. i am not sure why. am i being too honest? was i wrong to tell her how i felt? did i make a mistake by telling her? she told to my father of what i had told her, and my father respond really made me fell apart. he said,"doesn't she knows that compare to her siblings, she had the best of everything? such an ungrateful child and doesn't know her place at all." yes, it's true that my parents have their 110 percent focus on me when i started going to university. but not when i was growing up.  yes, i had the best of everything, only when i went into the university. but i got absolutely nothing or 2nd hand stuff when i was a child. yes, i am absolutely bless to have parents that are willing to send me to overseas to further my study. but when i was growing up, i only got a 2nd class treatment on education compare to my other sibling.

what my parents doesn't understand is that i am not here to compare anything or to pay them back on what they did to me. no.no.no.no.no. i would never do anything that would hurt my parents. i know my place and i respect them as my parents. all i did was telling them the TRUTH. just telling them on how it was back then when i was small. it had nothing to do with current conditions. yes, i am absolutely grateful on what they had done for me and still doing for me. but it still doesn't change the fact of what had happen it the past. all i did was telling the truth. all i did what telling them on how and what i saw back then when i small. and everyone in the family knows i have an excellent memories because i can still remember what i did when i was 4 years old.  so there is no reason why would i want to lie about all that.

but i think the saddest part of all is when my mother ended the conversation and said," just go back to Melbourne and stay there as long as you want. you are such a burden by staying here." you know the funny part is, my ex said the same word to me too. he thinks i'm a burden to him as well. so, let's revise shall we? my ex said i'm a burden to him, so he dumped me. now my parents or my mum said i'm a burden to her, she wants me out from the house.(at least that's how i see it.) so i am alive here and now is just to be a burden to the people that i love. sad isn't it? so the question now is .......

where can you go now that you are unwanted?