funny jokes (at least i think they do)

1. Men are like chocolate bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
2. What is the difference between a man and E.T? E.T phoned home.
3. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ( ain't that the truth!)
4. A husband was sitting at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said," Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally the husband let her get it off her chest. "I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother. your best friend and your father." "Don't worry about it," the husband said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
5. Why do most women pay attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
6. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He studied communications at university and I specialized in theater arts. He communicates well and I just act like I'm listening."
7. First man (proudly) : My wife is an angel! Second man: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
8. What is the definition of mixed emotions? Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes.
9. As a cashier receives payment from her customer, she notices her customer has a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
10. How do men sort their washing? 'Filthy' and 'Filthy but Wearable'.
11. What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
12. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
13. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
14. A woman accompanied her husband to see his doctor. After his check-up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, make him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse.. No nagging. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.