fate and destiny

sometimes i feel like life, fate or destiny is making fun of me. its like whenever i already grasp all the things, happiness that i was looking for, it suddenly were taken from me. its like its telling me, okay, you already have your fun now, we're gonna take it back so you can start over. it would be fun for us to watch. hahahaha.....

 i honestly don't know. people always say that everything happens for a reason. heck, even i always said that. because i truly do believe in it. but sometimes when something happen too often, you would start to question, where are all these leading too? am i destined to just having a temporary happiness and then start all over again? sometimes you wondered why all these things happens to me.

i know, i look like im complaining and whining but its hard when you have to face this all alone. when you see all people all around you are happy with their lives and you are down at the bottomless pit, it's hard to get back up again. no matter how hard you try and you try and you try, there will always be something and/or someone to knock you back down again. sometimes i even wonder, will i ever have my happily ever after? will i find the happiness like my friend have? will i ever be happy again?

not saying that i'm not happy. sure, i do look happy on the outside, but inside, i'm still torn, confused, scared and anxious. people might say that i wont be facing this alone, we will always be there and here for you but seriously, that is not true. i am not saying that i am ungrateful to all those people who have helped me, but let's face it. if i keep going back to you all the time, pouring my heart and soul about this, i'm sure sooner or later you guys would say, oh please, get it over with already. and in truth, some of you are too busy with your own lives with your own problems to deal with than dealing and listening to mine. so whether i like it or not, i eventually have to deal this on my own. no hard feelings.

so yea, i have to do everything on my own. which makes it very hard and i know i am the only one who can pull myself back up. i am the only one who can change everything. the only one who can find my own happiness. my own happily ever after. only i can do all that. i and i'm alone. but to get to that self confidence, i think it would take me a while to reach it. i honestly have no idea when, but i know someday i will get it. someday i will find the happiness i'm looking for or at least destined for. and when i find it, i will grasps it and holds it tightly and never let it go. if fate and destiny are kind to me, i hope by that time, they will let me keep it  and for once, be happy...... forever.